After the Funeral

This is a tough one
easier to calculate the dynamics of the universe
or raise a child ...I could easier dig my own grave and sleep in it tonight
than understand..

still,something told me long ago
being old could have it's reward..rest and relaxation and hours of contemplation..then I was too old to dream about that
and questioned not when or where
but how could I go on?

and I wondered did my father find
on the gurney/what he sought
answers from places impossibly far away....
on snowy beaches..anticipating gourmet food
his son by his side that day before Christmas eve.
packages heaped on the kitchen floor
waiting to be givent to grandchildren
our mother..solemn.. seemed to feel a need to explain

having lived and breathed so long
bruised ,broken too many times too even wonder what could have been besides vodka and orange juice
movies and endless talk of someday.
....and places never visited... never dreamed about..our lives caught in a maelstrom fates ..painstakingly paved...yet to be understood
as we sat in a row in a bar...across from the funeral home
a billion stars in the night sky..warm summer exhileration forgotten.

we dreamt of all things possible
while we drank the past away...as people dream of such things
spinning through barbecues and other times when life was .........

meanwhile,on other streets...life happened
people perched on stools... on patios and in dining rooms
they might as well be hot dogs and hamburgers...bug lights and laughter..the universal condiments

.....the bartender svelt and curious
took the tips we left behind..
and I found myself alone in the street
looking for a way home.
The traffic lights looked like angels
a lamp ,a baby,a one way ticket
advising me to swim in senses yet to be titilated
throw off these layers of reality that suffocate
the naked self....

...ever wonder about the long heavy sigh..of the passersby?

luck,success,failing...endless cycles of circumstance and choice.
regrets best embraced with passion
only the living are privileged to feel
though the sun lights begrudged days....
and cursed rainclouds and bitter winter haze
punish the weary heart
snowflakes fall..little beached and bleached whales
on the shores of the disenchanted.

slumped before the tube ..heads shaking and head aches brewing
for the turmoil that ebbs and flows
a tide a wave a wind
through us over us and in us

at the last hour...what thoughts we have of all this
and so much of that
not one less amazing than the last
is it all in vain but the heat we generated
which still warms the seats we occupied...and our bills unpaid?
this definitive heading
briefest of summaries
barely acknowleging..dreaded...inevitably honored
it was everything..and nothing
but a coveted barbecue and an eventual funeral.